Bashing Donald Trump is a popular pastime among the writers I know, especially the poets. Wondering what I could add to the flurry of fiery condemnations, I decided to try writing from the point of view of The Donald himself. As the author of mysteries and suspense novels, I love getting into the heads of my villains, including vampires and serial killers. But who knows what lurks deep in Donald’s twisted mind? What in his gene pool or his family history has made him the scary monster he is today? I have absolutely no idea, but here’s one possible take on the subject.
Donald the Bantam Rooster speaks his mind
It’s the Year of the Rooster—
Melania just told me.
The Chinese New Year fell on January 28,
Just eight days after my coronation.
What’s that you say? Inauguration?
Big deal—what’s the difference?
Either way, I’m finally Emperor.
I’m cock of the walk—
I’ve got a lot to crow about.
This can’t be mere coincidence.
New Year, New America—
See, even the Chinese are bowing down to worship me.
They named the New Year after my sign.
Me, the Sun God. I like the sound of that.
What’s that you say? Louis XIV used it first?
Wasn’t he the guy who built all those palaces
And filled them with gilded furniture?
I learned about him from Ivana
When we were furnishing Trump Tower
And Mar a Lago. Hey, that’s a good comparison,
Me and Louis, but my buildings are much bigger.
Besides, wasn’t he a scrawny little wimp?
I watched the Netflix series. Sad.
What’s that you say, Jared?
The Rooster’s not my sign? What is it then?
The Dog? You’re kidding, right?
Intelligent, honest, obedient, loyal?
No way! How dare the Chinese Zodiac slander me?
Maybe we should nuke them, whaddaya think?
Go ahead, make my day. Bomb them to oblivion.
No more “Made in China” clothes.
A trade bonanza!
What’s that you say? The Fire Dog,
Because of my Birth Year, 1946?
Same as Bill Clinton? Even worse.
That filthy horn dog, screwing all those
Tasty bitches while lying Hillary looks the other way.
Compared to mine, those bitches were skanky.
Remember Monica, that pathetic porker?
A five, and the others were eights or nines at most,
While mine are always tens.
Just look at my daughter Ivanka—
No, don’t, on second thought.
If Jared could read my mind, he’d kill me.
What’s that you say, Jared?
I’m only kidding. Can’t you take a joke?
What’s that you say?
The Year of the Rooster is especially bad luck
For those born in the Year of the Dog?
What utter crap! I don’t believe a word you say.
The truth is always lies.
Matter of fact, you’re fired!
I wrote this poem three hours before last Monday’s Poets Speak Loud, the monthly open mic at McGeary’s Tavern in Albany. Thanks to Mary Panza, Dan Wilcox, and Thom Job of Albany Poets, who have kept this event going over the past ten years. The deadline is always a powerful incentive, especially since I know my work will be met with applause and (when appropriate) laughter.
The poem went over well, so I read it again last night at a private party for poets and their significant others. Once again it met with hilarity. Afterwards, people told me it was refreshing to hear something about Trump that was actually more funny than terrifying. One woman told me I’d be great on television. Hmmm…is YouTube in my future? Maybe, if it will help me sell more books.